Script for a short stage play
Afternoon; Byron is at home, sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop, a can of soda and a newspaper. He is wearing a grey T-shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of sneakers. He has short dark hair and no facial hair.
Sage comes back from work, she opens the door and enters the scene. She is wearing a pair of blue elegant trousers, a blazer in the same colour and a white blouse; a pair of black heels and a small handbag. She has long dark hair in a low ponytail.
Byron: Hi baby
Sage: Have you called Anne for that job?
[She walks to the bedroom, takes off her blazer]
Byron: No. How was your day at work?
Sage: Byron you keep bouncing her off.
Byron: I’m not. I don’t have time to work at the pub, I have three open-mics this weekend.
[She sits at the table with him]
Sage: Any good stand-ups?
Byron: Well I hope so.
Sage: Where? Comedy House again?
Byron: Two of them, one is at a new place; Live Nights at Victoria. 200 seats, not bad right?
Sage: If the 200 seats are taken…
Byron: Kirk said he’ll bring some friends along.
Sage: I didn’t know he had so many friends.
Byron: One of the shows is this Friday, will you come see me?
[She stands up and goes to the kitchen]
Byron: Hey get this. What’s Apple’s funniest app?
But I’m still working on more stuff.
Sage: You know I don’t wanna upset you, but-
Byron: I just need some more time to take off.
Sage: Well you don’t have much time. Your parents will call soon.
Byron: Please don’t bring my parents into this.
Sage: Alright, alright. Is Kirk coming for dinner?
[Doorbell rings. sage opens the dor, Kirk enters the scene. He is wearing a pair of black trousers, a blue shirt and a small backpack. He has short brown hair and a neat short beard.]
Byron: How are you doing? Come in.
Sage: Hey Kirk, what’s up?
Kirk: Not much.
Byron: Thank God you arrived, Sage was talking to me like a Dutch uncle.
Kirk: Oh perfect timing then!
[Sage opens the fridge and passes Kirk a soda. He sits at the table with Byron]
Kirk: Today I heard a good joke for you. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car
Kirk: It’s good, uh?
Hey can I have a coaster for my beer please?
Byron: There are none left.
Kirk: Let me get the paper when you’re done then
[Byron hands him a section of the newspaper Kirk puts it underneath the beer while Sage stares at them]
Kirk: What’s wrong?
Sage: You’re meant to be together, anything I need to know?
Kirk: I’d have kept him away from you!
[Byron’s phone rings. He picks up]
Byron (on the phone): Oh, hello mum! How are you and dad?
Yeah I’ve had a few interviews…
You know, they will call me back.
Yes, sure. Don’t worry
I know next month is May.
Or dad will kick my ass
Yes! Right back to Cookham…
Okay, I’ll say hi to her
Sage: We knew she would have called.
Sage: What did she say?
Byron: As always…I get a job or I stop being a clown and go back to wash old ladies’ dresses in Cookham
Sage: I told you she’d call.
Kirk: She told you Byron.
He’s a mess, Sage. You should send him to bed without dinner.
Sage: If he goes to bed without dinner you do too.
Kirk: Why me?
Sage: Because you are pushing him to be a comic.
Kirk: I’m just supporting my friend
Byron (To Sage): Right baby. What was your aspiration when you were younger?
Sage: First off, I’m only 32.
Besides, I had to roll up my sleeves ‘cause no one else was paying for my bills.
Byron: A job at a bank is not exactly like working at your sister’s pub…
Sage: Do you think that’s the first job I got? I’ve had so many jobs before this.
Byron: I see. But now that you have a good job why not focusing on your aspiration?
Sage: Then why don’t you do both too?
Byron: Because it’s hard.
Sage: There you go. Answered your own question…
Byron: You’ve never opened up about your dreams.
Sage: Have you ever asked?
Byron: I’m asking now!
Sage: Fine! My dream was to study and earn money to buy food for my man and his friend.
Kirk: Luckily you succeeded, or now we’d be two starving men.
[She puts the dishes on the table and sits]
Byron: No seriously, what did you want to become when you were younger?
Kirk: You should have seen Sage when she was younger, Byron. Always seeking attention…
Kirk: My brother and I used to go to their house for karaoke nights or to play the “talent shows”. Great fun!
Byron: What about Anne?
Sage: Oh you know my sister, she doesn’t like messing around.
Kirk: I think you also auditioned for an actual talent show, didn’t you?
Byron: Really? Which one?
Kirk: A singing one, innit?
Sage: Fame Academy when I was like 18… I liked singing.
Byron: So you can sing?
Sage: A little bit.
Byron: And you’ve never told me!
Sage: I never had a chance to
Byron: I’ve never kept anything from you.
Sage: It didn’t seem so important.
Byron: Did you pass the auditions?
Byron: (Whispering) What…
Did you win?
Sage: Let me go get my platinum.
Byron: Well you never know…
Sage: Would I be working at the bank now?
It was a long time ago; I forgot about it.
Byron: I had no idea you liked performing.
Kirk: Guys why don’t you swap places and she performs at the open-mic this week-end?
Sage: Hell no!
Byron: That’s a great idea. You liked being in the spotlight, you will like it now too.
Sage: I was a kid
Byron: Yes but you will understand that stand-up is not easy!
Sage: I already know that. Must be hard to perform in front of people too drunk to understand you.
Kirk: Ten times harder! But now Byron only performs at quality clubs, enough with them shitty places.
Byron: Come on! You should go for it.
Sage: Thanks, I’m good.
Kirk: It’d be challenging for you.
Maybe you can help him improve his stand-up.
Sage: I learn some jokes and hit the stage?
Sage: Like what?
Kirk: You’re so ugly that when you tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals”
Sage: (laughs) That’s old as fuck
Kirk: Then they boo at you and leave. Worst that could happen they wait for you outside and punch you in the face.
Sage: Got you.
Kirk: An Irish man walks out of a pub.
Sage: And then?
Kirk: That’s it, that’s a joke.
A 200-seats club uh?
Byron: Oh, I’m preparing some better ones.
Kirk: Hey Byron, what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? -We’re both lawyers.
Come on Sage, try one!
Sage: Guys really, I don’t know any.
Byron: Okay well… Take inspiration from everyday life.
Kirk: How do you like working at the bank?
Sage: It’s fine. I’d prefer a more glamorous job but-
Byron: Have you ever tried piano-bar?
Sage: Of course I have, but I couldn’t make a living out of it.
Byron: Then you gave up?
Sage: I’m not as reckless as you are…
[Kirk stands up]
Kirk: Okay. I’m going to bounce now!
Byron: See you later.
Sage: You don’t have to leave. We’re not talking about this anymore. End of.
Kirk: Maybe you guys could find a compromise
Sage: What’s a compromise with him?
Byron: Right! You know that job at the pub? I will call Anne and take it.
Sage: Will you?
Byron: Only if you perform at the open-mic this Friday.
Sage: I am not a comedian.
Kirk: They also take other performers, like singers.
Sage: Not a singer either.
Kirk: It will be a fun night Sage!
Sage: …I’ll think about it.
Byron: She will think about it!
Kirk: What would you do without Kirk?
I spend too much time with you, I need to get a girlfriend.
[Kirk opens the door]
I’m telling you. You two could be the next Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
Byron: I'm not a rapper.
Kirk: She’s not Beyoncé either.
Sage: (laughing) Piss off Kirk!
[Kirk leaves, Sage stands up and walks to the bedroom, Byron follows her]
Sage: …So what’s the place called again?
[Byron looks at her smiling and picks up his phone]
Byron: I’m calling Anne right now!