Script for a short stage play

Afternoon; Byron is at home, sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop, a can of soda and a newspaper. He is wearing a grey T-shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of sneakers. He has short dark hair and no facial hair.

Sage comes back from work, she opens the door and enters the scene. She is wearing a pair of blue elegant trousers, a blazer in the same colour and a white blouse; a pair of black heels and a small handbag. She has long dark hair in a low ponytail.

Byron: Hi baby

Sage: Hey!

Sage: Have you called Anne for that job?

        [She walks to the bedroom, takes off her blazer]

Byron: No. How was your day at work?

Sage: Byron you keep bouncing her off.

Byron: I’m not. I don’t have time to work at the pub, I have three open-mics this weekend.

        [She sits at the table with him]

Sage: Any good stand-ups?

Byron: Well I hope so.

Sage: Where? Comedy House again?

Byron: Two of them, one is at a new place; Live Nights at Victoria. 200 seats, not bad right?

Sage: If the 200 seats are taken…

Byron: Kirk said he’ll bring some friends along.

Sage: I didn’t know he had so many friends.

Byron: One of the shows is this Friday, will you come see me?

Sage: Yeah!

        [She stands up and goes to the kitchen]

Byron: Hey get this. What’s Apple’s funniest app?

        (Pause)

        iRony

        But I’m still working on more stuff.

Sage: You know I don’t wanna upset you, but-

Byron: I just need some more time to take off.

Sage: Well you don’t have much time. Your parents will call soon.

Byron: Please don’t bring my parents into this.

Sage: Alright, alright. Is Kirk coming for dinner?

       [Doorbell rings. sage opens the dor, Kirk enters the scene. He is wearing a pair of black trousers, a blue shirt and a small backpack. He has short brown hair and a neat short beard.]

Byron: How are you doing? Come in.

Sage: Hey Kirk, what’s up?

Kirk: Not much.

Byron: Thank God you arrived, Sage was talking to me like a Dutch uncle.

Kirk: Oh perfect timing then!

Sage: Arsehole

[Sage opens the fridge and passes Kirk a soda. He sits at the table with Byron]

Kirk: Today I heard a good joke for you. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

(Pause)

Get in the car

Byron: (laughs)

 

Kirk: It’s good, uh?

Hey can I have a coaster for my beer please?

 

Byron:  There are none left.

 

Kirk: Let me get the paper when you’re done then

 

[Byron hands him a section of the newspaper Kirk puts it underneath the beer while Sage stares at them]

 

Kirk: What’s wrong?

 

Sage: You’re meant to be together, anything I need to know?

 

Kirk: I’d have kept him away from you!

 

Byron: (laughs)

 

[Byron’s phone rings. He picks up]

 

Byron (on the phone): Oh, hello mum! How are you and dad?

Yeah I’ve had a few interviews…

 

You know, they will call me back.

Yes, sure. Don’t worry

 

I know next month is May.

Or dad will kick my ass

 

Yes! Right back to Cookham…

Okay, I’ll say hi to her

Bye mum.

 

Sage: We knew she would have called.

 

Byron:  Yeah

 

Sage:  What did she say?

 

Byron: As always…I get a job or I stop being a clown and go back to wash old ladies’ dresses in Cookham

 

Sage: I told you she’d call.

 

Kirk: She told you Byron.

He’s a mess, Sage. You should send him to bed without dinner.

 

Sage: If he goes to bed without dinner you do too.

 

Kirk: Why me?

 

Sage: Because you are pushing him to be a comic.

 

Kirk: I’m just supporting my friend

 

Byron (To Sage): Right baby. What was your aspiration when you were younger?

 

Sage: First off, I’m only 32.

Besides, I had to roll up my sleeves ‘cause no one else was paying for my bills.

 

Byron:  A job at a bank is not exactly like working at your sister’s pub…

 

Sage: Do you think that’s the first job I got? I’ve had so many jobs before this.

 

Byron: I see. But now that you have a good job why not focusing on your aspiration?

 

Sage:  Then why don’t you do both too?

 

Byron:  Because it’s hard.

 

Sage:  There you go. Answered your own question…

 

Byron:  You’ve never opened up about your dreams.

 

Sage:  Have you ever asked?

 

Byron:  I’m asking now!

 

Sage:  Fine! My dream was to study and earn money to buy food for my man and his friend.

 

Kirk: Luckily you succeeded, or now we’d be two starving men.

 

[She puts the dishes on the table and sits]

 

Byron: No seriously, what did you want to become when you were younger?

Kirk: You should have seen Sage when she was younger, Byron. Always seeking attention…

 

Sage:  Oi!

 

Kirk:  My brother and I used to go to their house for karaoke nights or to play the “talent shows”.          Great fun!

 

Byron:  What about Anne?

 

Sage:  Oh you know my sister, she doesn’t like messing around.

Kirk: I think you also auditioned for an actual talent show, didn’t you?

Sage: Yeah

Byron: Really? Which one?

Kirk: A singing one, innit?

Sage: Fame Academy when I was like 18… I liked singing.

Kirk: Right.

Byron: So you can sing?

Sage: A little bit.

Byron: And you’ve never told me!

Sage: I never had a chance to

Byron: I’ve never kept anything from you.

Sage: It didn’t seem so important.

Byron: Did you pass the auditions?

Sage: Yeah

Byron: (Whispering) What…

            Did you win?

 

Sage: Let me go get my platinum.

 

Byron: Well you never know…

Sage: Would I be working at the bank now?

            It was a long time ago; I forgot about it.

Byron: I had no idea you liked performing.

 

Kirk: Guys why don’t you swap places and she performs at the open-mic this week-end?

 

Sage: Hell no!

 

Byron: That’s a great idea. You liked being in the spotlight, you will like it now too.

Sage: I was a kid

Byron:  Yes but you will understand that stand-up is not easy!

Sage: I already know that. Must be hard to perform in front of people too drunk to understand you.

Kirk: Ten times harder! But now Byron only performs at quality clubs, enough with them shitty places.

Byron: Come on! You should go for it.

Sage: Thanks, I’m good.

Kirk: It’d be challenging for you.

Maybe you can help him improve his stand-up.

Sage: I learn some jokes and hit the stage?

Kirk:  Yes.

Sage: Like what?

Kirk: You’re so ugly that when you tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals”

Byron: (laughs)

Sage: (laughs) That’s old as fuck

Kirk: Then they boo at you and leave. Worst that could happen they wait for you outside and punch you in the face.

Sage: Got you.

Kirk:  An Irish man walks out of a pub.

Sage:  And then?

Kirk:  That’s it, that’s a joke.

age: (Pause)

A 200-seats club uh?

Byron: Oh, I’m preparing some better ones.

Kirk: Hey Byron, what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? -We’re both lawyers.

         Come on Sage, try one!

Sage:  Guys really, I don’t know any.

Byron:  Okay well… Take inspiration from everyday life.

Kirk:  How do you like working at the bank?

Sage: It’s fine. I’d prefer a more glamorous job but-

Byron: Have you ever tried piano-bar?

Sage: Of course I have, but I couldn’t make a living out of it.

Byron:  Then you gave up?

Sage: I’m not as reckless as you are…

         [Kirk stands up]

Kirk: Okay. I’m going to bounce now!

Byron: See you later.

Kirk: Laters!

Sage: You don’t have to leave. We’re not talking about this anymore. End of.

Kirk: Maybe you guys could find a compromise

Sage: What’s a compromise with him?

Byron: Right! You know that job at the pub? I will call Anne and take it.

Sage: Will you?

Byron: Only if you perform at the open-mic this Friday.

Sage: I am not a comedian.

Kirk: They also take other performers, like singers.

Sage: Not a singer either.

Kirk: It will be a fun night Sage!

Byron: So?

Sage: …I’ll think about it.

Byron: She will think about it!

Kirk: What would you do without Kirk?

       (Pause)

       I spend too much time with you, I need to get a girlfriend.

       [Kirk opens the door]

       I’m telling you. You two could be the next Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Byron: I'm not a rapper.

Kirk: She’s not Beyoncé either.

Sage: (laughing) Piss off Kirk!

       [Kirk leaves, Sage stands up and walks to the bedroom, Byron follows her]

Sage: …So what’s the place called again?

       [Byron looks at her smiling and picks up his phone]

Byron: I’m calling Anne right now!

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